Are you in an abusive relationship… with yourself?


When you hear of someone being in an abusive relationship, I’m sure like myself, it absolutely breaks your heart to hear that someone can feel so trapped, and unable to escape that kind of evil, debilitating environment.

Did you ever stop to think that you could in fact be creating this environment… with yourself!

Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or being yelled at. Abuse can be in the form of mental and emotional too! It is usually harder to recognise and realise that this is happening when you are doing it to yourself.


I bet at some point – daily – you have judged yourself, you have put yourself down, “Don’t wear that dress, your ass looks fat and dimply”, “Omg why do you have so many pimples, you look like a crater face!”, “Don’t say anything in the meeting, you will look like an idiot, you’re not as smart as everyone else here”…. Do any of these sound familiar?

What about the constant guilt trips when you eat? “If you eat that cupcake, you can’t eat dinner”, “Well, you’ve failed again, you ate the stupid cupcake, how pathetic”.

Maybe you’ve you withdrawn from social occasions, because you don’t think your pretty enough, smart enough, or because you know there will be food you ‘shouldn’t’ eat there and you don’t believe you have any willpower?

Then there are the other kinds of punishment, starving yourself, bingeing, slogging it out at the gym, doing something that you don’t even enjoy because you hate your body?

So many of us glorify ‘busy’, thinking that we always need to be doing something, whether that be working late, attending every social occasion, always saying yes- even if you don’t want to, and running around like a headless chook… that somehow means we are better than everyone.

We try to impress our friends, as if they will like us more for being super busy and over-achieving.


It’s far too common now to see this kind of self-judgment and self-hatred behaviour. Well to be honest you may not even see it in your friends or family as so many people are doing this silently to themselves.

Have you ever thought, if you heard someone says these things you say in your head to anyone, you would pull them up and tell them it’s not acceptable to speak that way! Yet this is the stuff we say to ourselves on a daily basis!

Ok so let’s start way back when I was in my early twenties… it wasn’t that long ago relax! I would constantly judge myself and then punish myself, a merry go round of self-loathing.

I would work my ass off as an Executive Assistant, then personal train clients in the early AM & late PM, I would also work as an Event Manager on weekend events… now that’s just work life. I thought that being ‘super busy’ with work would impress people that I could handle it all, that making allot of money was the be all and end all!

Of course, I would still go out with my friends, Thursday -Sunday, making sure that when I finished work I would always make it out, god forbid I would not be out when my friends were out. Seriously what was I thinking??! Clearly that I could do everything, be everywhere and never miss a beat.

I even remember having a minor car accident one morning at 7am because I had worked at an event the night before, then trained a client at 5.30am and clearly was sleep deprived!

As for my eating habits… even as a personal trainer, I thought I knew how to feed myself? I thought drinking my protein shake (which wasn’t very nutritional) was the best for me and then I could only eat rice and chicken and broccoli to keep thin. If I ate anything else I would literally punish myself. To sustain the energy of my schedule I would drink soft drinks and eat sugars to keep me going then hate myself for doing it. What a vicious cycle.

The people I was surrounded by and the things I read in the media made me believe that that’s all I should be eating. Remember the saying ‘Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels’. That is why so many people have horrible relationships with food, we were fed this kind of talk?


I would force myself to workout at every opportunity and never rest. As if you could be a wobbly PT!

Every time I looked in the mirror, I would see a tired looking 20-something girl, bags under her eyes, pimples, grey face, too curvy, ass to big –I would sit and pick out every single thing I hated… if there was a pimple, I would pick at it, degrade myself and say things like “You’re going to leave the house with that and everyone is going to stare? What is wrong with you”?

My self confidence and self love was pretty much non-existent!

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How freaking sad is that!!! I created an environment that I put myself down, ate shit food that my body couldn’t use, worked crazy hours thinking that made me look better as a person and then would party all night exhausted because I thought that I could never miss anything!!!!

You need to realise, this environment, these words we say to ourselves… we can change this… but the only person is you.

Firstly, Let’s make it clear, you are NOT ALONE, if you have these thoughts, do these things, I am right there beside you. I too, have said it all to myself and treated myself like crap… I still now have to pull myself up when I start to do it again. It’s a forever learning journey, but an extremely important mind-set to change.

Fast track to when I started learning that ‘your body is a temple’. I swear I thought people were a hippy if heard someone say it, until I realised that they were damn right! This shit is legit and my temple was crumbling away from the tsunami of shit food, a jam packed schedule, and self-talk that even the most confident person would curl up in a ball and cry.

Why is this becoming the ‘norm’? It’s pretty unbelievable that it now ‘normal’ to hate yourself more than appreciate yourself!! How the hell did that happen?? I’m sure you have a fair idea, TV, magazines, social media – the list is endless of where our low self-esteem stems from.

Clearly we need to be kinder to ourselves. That’s a given, But what is self-love? It can look very different to everyone. Self-love to me, is the food I nourish myself with, the people I surround myself with, the work I do, the way I treat my body and even the way I talk to myself.  Have a think what self-love is to you? This is super important because no one can tell you how to love yourself. You have to actually want to and believe it.

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So what can you do to start practice a bit of self-love and treat yourself more kindly?

Unfollow social media accounts

Stop and think about your social media feed, whether that be Instagram, Twitter, Facebook etc. What does your feed consist of?

Social media mainly shows the positive and happy beautiful images, or they have been completely altered and photo shopped. I too am guilty, because I love taking beautiful pictures, I love looking at happy things BUT I am not in denial that life is all smiles, picture perfect food or dream holidays.

It’s ok to show these things, but always be real. I hope I display that. I only ever pick images that I truly love, things that reflect my values and the values of The Wholesome Heart.

Try scrolling through your Insta and social media list and look at who and what pages you follow. Do they reflect your values, or what you want to be surrounded by, are they positive role models? There are so many accounts now that show their real life, the good the bad and the ugly. Just remember that not everything is ‘real’. Don’t follow accounts that make you judge yourself.

I follow people I would want to be friends with and I would want to be surrounded by. Therefore when I do scroll the gram I don’t become depressed or feel guilty I’m uplifted and inspired!


Repair your Relationship with Food

I want to educate you to listen to what your body needs and nourish it properly. What worked for you today might not work tomorrow, and that’s normal. So don’t think that because you are vegetarian today or paleo tomorrow that you have to stay that way forever. Try a new way of eating, research and see what could work for you.

You need to stop judging yourself for every meniscal choice you are making.

Do you want to eat that piece of chocolate, by all means eat it and don’t feel guilty. The more you deprive yourself of anything you will crave and crave and crave until boom BINGE ALERT. That doesn’t sound like fun!! Rather than riding the merry-go-round of self-loathing, try getting creative and making your own raw chocolate. Jam pack it with goodness and never feel guilty again 🙂

Check out these Raw Coconut Rough’s!

When you go to a restaurant rather than being overwhelmed with the menu, check it out online first. Make your choice ahead of time when you’re not starving and under pressure.

1. You don’t need to stress yourself out with food choices, it will only raise your cortisol levels and make it even harder for you body to digest your food!

2. You’ll be the first ready to order and not rush something your body doesn’t need.

3. Remember- regardless of your choice, no judgment FULLSTOP. If you get to the restaurant and forget to check out the menu before, its not the end of the world! Be kind to yourself.

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Compliment someone

If you see someone and think, wow I love that perfume…. SAY IT! Not for them to return a compliment, but to spread love and appreciation.

Mirror to the world what you wish to see in yourself and others. You want to feel special, make someone else feel special… it will come back to you ten-fold. Trust me 🙂 Don’t believe me… try it!


Self talk

I actually believe this is THE most important one of all the points. It’s the one that debilitates us and hold us back the most. The constant judgement and constant criticism, day in day out, can wear you down.

So next time you hear your mean girl pop up and try to bring you down, look in the mirror and think of 3, just 3 physical things you love about yourself? Do you love your make up today, or maybe you know you have a killer smile, or you might be wearing a top that flatters you?

Then I want you to think of 3 things that you can’t see, that you love about yourself, You might have eaten a piece of cake today and you didn’t judge or punish yourself for enjoying it, or you love that you have a great big heart and care so much for your friends and family.

I am here to tell you that you are ENOUGH!

You are Beautiful

You are Smart

You are Kind

You are Strong

Trust your heart, quieten your mind, and believe in yourself!

Scary numbers… Let’s show the next generation of women and girls, we love ourselves just the way we are and they can too. No diets, no restrictions, just beautiful relationships with our bodies.

Food for thought….

It is really important as a society that we look at how we are treating ourselves. Would you want your daughter or your son to have these thoughts? We can change our thought patterns, we can show the next generation that it is important to love yourself, be kind and treat your body with respect. It will create a huge movement for the world to follow. Imagine if we all treated ourselves like this, do you think we would ever treat another human being any different….


If you would like to work together to create strategies and restore your relationship with yourself. I want to empower you to live a life you love, to love yourself and develop skills to lead a healthy lifestyles. Contact me here and we can chat about your goals J

Comment below if you have experienced the vicious cycle of self-hatred or talked yourself down? How do you deal with it?

If you can, make one person smile today, give one compliment, smile at a stranger… be genuine and radiate the incredible person that you are.

If you know anyone that is struggling, please hold out your hand, make them feel safe and tell them to contact their medical practitioner or contact Life Line.

Life Line – or 13 11 14

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